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Tuesday, September 2, 2014

From the Deepest Part of the Soul~

Bringing a family together is a beautiful hard thing no matter the circumstances.
Five of our children were born of my body (2 in heaven)
and six born of my heart.
I tell newly adopting families there is NO difference in the depth of my love for all of them.
There isn't!!!

But there is a difference in the WAY they are loved.

For the big girls, they were held close to my heart all the time. 
They listened to my words and songs and prayers when infants.
They had all the food, warmth, and love they could every need!
They never needed for anything anytime anywhere.
They were loved from their conception with a fierceness only a mother can know.
They have known and felt love always... unconditionally.

In 2006, we scooped up the most beautiful little girl from Chongqing, China~
and I instantly loved her with my whole being!
A little girl abandoned at birth and put in an orphanage for 11 months with NONE of the securities my bigs had known.

She was not held but tied to a crib or walker 24/7.
She was never talked to or sung to or prayed for.
Her bottle was propped and if it fell, she didn't get it.
She had her diaper changed maybe once a day and had scars on her bottom.
There was no heat and she stayed bundled in 4-5 layers all the time.
Even through all this trauma, there she was coming to us with a little smile expecting nothing~
Love was poured over her constantly and completely from that moment on but she didn't know how to process it.

The combination of a sterile institution, never being touched, being left alone, crying and no one to comfort, being tied to a bed in the dark, and (now none of that) sent her into fight/flight mode.

She needed me to hold her ALL the time.
She hoarded food in her mouth because she didn't know if it would run out.
She didn't like textures in her mouth and spit up.
She couldn't sit up or crawl and needed constant support.
She would NOT go in a crib and slept on top of me for the first six months home.
She did NOT nap in fear I might be gone when she woke up.

WHY am I telling you all this?
How long has she been home you ask?
8 years?
Why talk about all this now?

There was a time when she never showed any kind of empathy or sympathy.
We didn't know if she would be able to given her trauma.
Slowly as she matured we began to see a tremendous love she had for animals 
and saw that love as we helped her grieve a pet death.

The last two trips we have taken to China and left her home have allowed a big growth of love for the people in her life (especially Rosie).
She grieved Scott and I being gone and when we walked into the airport this last time, I could feel the anxiety pour right out of her when I held her again.

Still what does this all have to do with now?
This photo gives you a hint~
Other than Scott and I, Rosie has been home with her the longest
and the move to college has been traumatic.

This photo holds SO much feeling~
It also holds a deep soulful cry..

A cry From the Deepest Part of the Soul.

This was EK yesterday when Rosie pulled out to head back to school.
She wasn't crying at first but something amazing happened.
Something I don't think has ever happened before in 8 long years...
EK looked over at me and saw tears in my eyes and her grief came pouring out.
Not a sweet little miss you cry but a deep sorrowful cry.

The kind of cry that might have been heard that dark night when her bio family
had to make a heart wrenching decision to leave her alone not knowing what would happen.

And I let her cry it out.
I'm sure if our neighbors were out, they could hear her.
She had to do it.
She needed to be sad Rosie was leaving.
She needed to know HOW love feels when your heart is full.

SO now sweet EK, 
you have felt love,
you have learned to love,
and you have felt love drive away.
The best part of all...
LOVE Always Wins!
We will LOVE you forever and always
From the Deepest Part of our Souls!!!
We are family and this is Everything Beautiful.
As Pastor Perry often says, "The best is yet to come!"

1 John 3:16
We know what real love is because Jesus gave up his life for us. 
So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters.


14 comments:

  1. I am sitting here crying too! My daughter recently went through a similar situation, and she cried the most heart breaking cry I have ever heard. It breaks your heart knowing they are hurting, and also a sense of relief - a broken part of her heart has been repaired. May God continue to bless our children.

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  2. Thank you for this post! Yesterday, I was having a hard time because that sweet little girl of mine of almost 8 months is pushing me to my limits. Don't get me wrong. I love her so fiercely, but I am exhausted from the lack of sleep and being attached to her 24/7. Her newest thing is freaking out when you put her down to bed at night. I know she can't help it and I know she has had a rough start, so this helps; however, as I said I am tired. I still haven't found my groove. The groove of the person who had it all put together and now nothing is put together. Anyway, bless poor EK's heart. I saw her grieve at the airport. My heart ached for her then and it does now. I hope over time as she sees Rosie come and go that it will get easier for her! Sending my prayers her way.

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  3. oh Sharon thanks so much for sharing this! I cried as I read it and know all those places in your heart that has worried for your precious girl! She and Madeline share so much depth of hurt and trauma. My heart breaks and rejoices for precious EllaKate!!! She is such a special special child of God!!!

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  4. Thank you for sharing the hard stuff. Thankful y'all have each other and that love wins!

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  5. such a precious little soul. so thankful that God has reached into the deepest parts of her heart and is healing her.
    oh sweet ella. you.are.so.loved. xo ellie

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  6. This is what we have been going through with our sweet girl when her big brother left. It has been so hard. They have lost so very much in their young lives. I pray that your sweet girl heals from this deep loss and sorrow that is in her. Please pray for my girl,too, Sharon. She told me that she doesn't want to show her hurt to anyone that she has to be strong. It breaks my heart, what they are feeling. Thank you for sharing your heart.
    God Bless your family, hollym.:)

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  7. Tears. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing such a beautiful story of healing. These little ones are so precious to Him. <3

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  8. Oh, sweet, sweet thing! It breaks my heart and makes it burst all at the same time....

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  9. Such a heartfelt and stirring post.

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  10. So very touching! What a sweet girl you have!

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  11. What a beautiful yet sad look at the amount of "loss" and the amount of "love" that adoption brings about. May sweet Ella Kate be comforted with the fact that love is forever hers and never will escape her grasp.

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  12. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you for writing this post. This is our Mia, age 8 now, adopted at 21/2. We understand exactly what you write about....and wait for the day when Mia can find more words to share the depth of her pain and fear. For now, she's with us literally NEXT to US as much as she can possibly can. And I thank God for the privilege.

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  13. I have been following your blog for a couple of years now! And, I am so happy to report that after years of thinking about it and praying about it, we have decided that NOW is the time for us to adopt! From China! We announced it on our blog today and I just wanted you to know that your blog has been such a great tool for me while we prayed. It has encouraged me and taught me and opened my eyes in so many ways to orphans, adoption, the joys and the struggles. Thank you for being real on your blog and through your adoptions! This post is just one more source of lessons for me as we embark on this journey!

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  14. It is so hard. Her tears of wanting to be near her sister....and now being able to let the tears flow.....as you hold her and allow her to know you are always there for her....That her older sister will come back and love her forever....My eleven year old has issues when I go away..(just a few times from her)... She too has a similar story as EK in her orphanage....malnourished, not held, ....very hard to still think about...but look how strong our girls are becoming...I see your daughter, EK , help her little sisters and brothers...she models your love, knows love now..."Love, Love, keep on growing and fill all our hearts, Peace peace to all God's people His peace be with us.....AMEN". GCRYPAR88

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